


keep your stories close (keep your secrets secret)

by worry



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek (Comics)
Genre: Abuse, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Gen, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 02:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10754973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: "Your father told me that you were impressive."You’ve never thought of your father as a liar, but oh, what a beautiful lie that is, what a comforting lie. You are not impressive in any way, they tell you this, they say that the only thing you are good at is words, screaming, so they’re right, so Dreva is right, so everyone is right, so you’re broken and shattered and sick, so there’s nothing to let the light shine in, right onto the walls of You and everything that You are. So it’s just - acceptable. One would think you’d have accepted it all by now.





	keep your stories close (keep your secrets secret)

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: heavily implied sexual abuse,physical abuse, emotional abuse, bullying, etc
> 
> this is just me venting abt my experience through shev basically, because he's so similar to me. anyway

  
  


Here is how the story goes, because this is how it always goes, because it’s always inescapable and  _ one would think you’d have accepted it by now, your father’s words, the big, bright target on your chest, the hands and the hands and the hands and the way they pull you down:  _ you are never good enough, and your parents think that a friend will straighten you out, make you  _ ruly,  _ and so they give you Dreva, who wears her hair sharp and her dresses long, who hurts you just as much.

 

“You,” she says, exactly when her eyes get to study you for the first time, and you feel like a lab experiment, like a training target, like a museum exhibit for everyone to gaze at and touch and let fade over time, “you’re Shev?”

 

_ Sadly. _

 

“Yeah, that’s me. And you’re Dreva, right?”

 

“Sadly,” she says, like your mind is spread wide open, like what he makes you---

 

“You’re different than the person I thought you’d be,” she says, carries the conversation elsewhere. “Your father told me that you were impressive, or something like that. But you’re just scrawny.”

 

_ Your father told me that you were impressive.  _ You’ve never thought of your father as a liar, but oh, what a beautiful lie that is, what a  _ comforting  _ lie. You are not impressive in any way, they tell you this, they say that the only thing you are good at is words,  _ screaming,  _ so they’re right, so Dreva is right, so everyone is right, so you’re broken and shattered and sick, so there’s nothing to let the light shine in, right onto the walls of You and everything that You are. So it’s just - acceptable. One would think you’d have accepted it all by now.

 

“I’m not  _ scrawny  _ at all. I bet if we were fighting I’d beat you within seconds.”

 

“You’re way too cocky,” Dreva replies. “Did you know my parents have been training me since I was two years old? Two, Shev.  _ I’d  _ be the one beating  _ you _ .”

 

“You really think so?”

 

“I know so. Plus, you have a lot of experience with being beaten, don’t you?”

 

You bite down in your mouth, think of your father and punishment and what he will do to you if you hurt this girl. She knows. Somehow: Dreva  _ knows. _

 

So you hit her anyways, impulsive -- “ _ YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO IMPULSIVE, SHEV. THAT NEEDS TO STOP, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES. YOU MUST REPRESENT OUR FAMILY HONORABLY.” _

 

There is no honor in this. But she  _ knows,  _ which means that if she tells someone your father will look bad, and it will be  _ your fault, your fault,  _ like it always is, one would think you’d have accepted it by now.

 

Her nose starts to bleed. “What is  _ wrong  _ with you?”

 

She runs away, runs. Oh: someone runs from you, because you are a big, ugly monster with fists, because everything in your life has tainted and tained and now you are an abhorrent sight, an evil touch.

 

(He does punish you, later. You accept it.)

  
  


* * *

 

You’re twenty years old and he walks in when you’re kissing Arinov, when he has you pinned in your bedroom and when you’re ready to be vulnerable, when you can have someone else touch your skin without feeling his hands on you. And - oh, he  _ growls.  _ Your father just growls.

 

Arinov pulls himself off of you when he hears the door open; he knows, too, he’s felt it too, he brings you back to safety, skin patch up. He breathes a swear, followed by  _ I’m sorry, Shev, I won’t let anything bad happen to you,  _ and then your father’s voice just screams  _ put your shirt back on, we need to have a talk. _

 

You obey, because you have no other choice, because you need to accept whatever is coming now. “I’m sorry, father.”

 

And then Arinov does the unspeakable; he balls his fists. “You don’t have to apologize.”

 

“Please leave,” your father hisses back, teeth bared. “ _ Now. _ ”

 

“I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you have to say can be said in front of me.”

 

You take his arm, soft. “I can handle this,” you tell him, and your lips tremble with the words, “just go,” and quieter, “ _ please just go, it won’t be as bad if you go now. _ ”

 

Arinov’s eyebrows raise. “Be safe,” he says, and leaves out of your bedroom window. His body disappears like eyes closing a brace position, and you watch - and then you turn to your father, brace position no longer in your mind, no longer parse metaphor.

 

“What do you think you’re doing?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“You seem to be set on making our family look bad,” he hisses. “Why him? Why Arinov? Why not Dreva? You two made up after your little incident, did you not?”

 

“We did,” you reply, bitter in your mouth ( _ it involved the revenge that you deserved because you hurt her and that is inexcusable but you still have the scars and the scars still hurt and)  _ “And… I don’t know, okay? These things just happen. I don’t know why.”

 

“Do you love him?”

 

“I… It’s complicated.”

 

“Do you love him,” he repeats, firm and hard. “Shev, tell me.”

 

“I don’t know yet,” you tell him; the truth is that you are not capable of love, and everyone knows this. He sees the best in you, wants to keep you safe - for how long? “I don’t think so.”

 

He sighs. “I could at least understand it if you loved him. But you’re just…  _ cheap. _ ”

 

“How are we any different from you and mother?  _ How _ ?”

 

“Do not raise your voice at me, and do  _ not  _ insult her like that. You should have learned your lesson by now.”

 

So he teaches you again, repeatedly, and you learn to stop being careless, stealth wrapping itself around your anatomy.

 

* * *

 

“Are you okay?” he says, and begins studying your body for anything to fix; Arinov is in medical school and has fixed you before, but this - is something that can never be fixed. He lifts your shirt—

 

and you scream.

 

“Oh, Shev,” he says. “You’re so bruised.”

 

“I heal fast, don’t worry, I’m fine.”

 

“I’m going to kill him,” Arinov bites suddenly. “I’m literally going to kill him.”

 

“I hope you’re joking.”

 

He looks as if he’s drowning in his own shock, his own surprise. “You  _ don’t  _ want him dead? After everything he did to you? Shev, I hope  _ you’re  _ joking.”

 

“What? You should know, more than anyone, how complicated it is… he’s still my  _ father.  _ And he’s nice sometimes.”

 

Arinov nods. “I get it, sorry.”

 

And he kisses you like starting a fire, right in the dark of the alleyway. After this, you do not see Arinov again.

 

* * *

 

Somehow he finds out that you’re going to study off-world, somehow he knows like Dreva knew. He does not accept the news well; instead he corners you in your bedroom, but keeps his voice down low - “I heard about your application to Starfleet Academy. You will not be going, although I doubt they would allow you in anyway.”

 

“You don’t get to make those decisions for me anymore,” you tell him, back firm against the wall - this is what you do best, defend. “I’m twenty-one. I’m grown. I’m going to do whatever I want.”

 

He laughs. “Studying with the humans isn’t going to help you. You need to stay  _ here  _ with your family.”

 

“You call this a family? After everything you’ve done? No. I’m going.”

 

Your father looks down at the floor and you prepare yourself—

 

All that he says is: “Very well. But if you make even one mistake, I will have you home in seconds.”

 

“ _ Thank you. _ ”

 

He growls, again,  _ he is so good at growling,  _ and walks away.

 

* * *

 

You are accused of committing murder and he walks away again, walks right away from you, does not help clear your name. You thought, foolishly, that you wouldn’t have to see it again. Oh. As he would say,  _ stupid, stupid boy. _

 

So you bow your head, and pray.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> ♥ feedback appreciated


End file.
